She stares in tired bewilderment at a computer screen as she struggles to make her fingers' actions coincide with her brain's desires. Her eyelides slide closed as she struggles to remain awake. Her world enfoldes in darkness as she reaches a level of contentment and peace that can only occur while asleep.
She tenses and jerks awake as a hand touches her shoulder. She finds herself on the couch and looks up through blurry eyes as reaches out for her glasses and struggles to determine the owner of the hand. As her world focuses, she sees her father. He seems different; he looks sad. He never looks sad. She panics inside as her eyes widen and she becomes fully aware of her surroundings.
Her dad sits down beside her and puts his hand around her shoulder. She looks at his hand before seeing a tear slide down his cheek. All of her insides twist together as she pulls away to look her father in the eye.
"What's wrong?" she asks in utter confusion.
Her father sniffles and reaches for her again. She slinks back again and tries to make eye contact with him.
"What's wrong?" she repeats sternly in frustration.
"Your grandfather...," he stops abruptly and reaches for a tissue to blow his nose.
"Dad!" she practically yells. "What is wrong?" She sounds out every syllable slowly as if she is speaking to a child.
"Your grandfather died a few minutes ago."
Her world spins as she tries to understand what her father had just dumped in her lap.
"Pppop-Pop?" she struggles to formulate words as she struggles to control her emotions.
"Yes, of lung cancer," he replies bluntly.
Her breathing becomes labored as she tries to make sense of it all. Why would God let this happen? There must be a reason. Any reason to let this situation make sense.
She tries to suck in air as she weeps uncontrollably. She tries to control herself; tries to think logically but it is no use.
She feels her father's arms around her and hears his sobs above her.
All she can think is why? Why would God let this happen? Why would He put her through this misery. She already missed him.
He was her mother's father. The only true grandfather she ever had. She loved him so much. Why?
He used to live with her family when she was younger and he had to go out on the back porch to smoke. She would go out with him and play in her sandbox or ride her tricycle.
She smiles to herself as memories surge through her mind. So many memories. He used to sit in his chair and smoke. She would get too close and get her nose taken away as punishment.
By this time, her father has left her alone with her emotions. She cries herself to sleep as the reality of what has happened sinks into the recesses of her mind.
She awakens with a deep sense of loss and remembers. She weeps again as the reality sinks in a second time. It feels like all she can di is weep so that is all she does.
She has now gathered her emotions into a box and buried it deep inside her heart. She has locked the box and has hidden the key. She does not remember the exact location of the box or the key but sometimes she will stumble upon the box and find it open before her. All of her past emotions and feelings will appear and she will find herself curled into a ball, weeping as if she were eight all over again.
She could say she has moved on in the sense that life goes on but her love for her grandfather is still there along with the empty hole in her heart. She misses him so much.
Some would say that she has a right to be angry with God, but on the contrary, she has never had a greater friend. He is everything to her and he fills the empty hole with more love than her grandfather could ever have given. And when she stumbles upon her open box of emotions, He is there to hold her and weep with her because once, a long time ago, someone he loved died, too.
Nothingness
Humor
Lonely
